Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Turdonian Treasury

The freedom of Turdonia, as mentioned in the previous blog, must be purchased. The United States purchased her freedom with the blood of veterans. As King of Turdonia, Lord Sovereign of all I behold, I have decided not to go this route as I would rather stay alive if possible. I have decided next best means to purchase our freedom is to actually purchase it with money.

This may seem a strange concept, but it is not new. Back in the days of slavery, it was not entirely unheard of for abolitionists to purchase a slave so they could free him. So here's how its going to work for us. First of all, we are going to need some initial investments to purchase the island and bribe any local government officials into granting us independence. After that, money will come in from three major sources. They are as follows.

1. Corporate sponsorship. Have you ever been to Disney World? If you have, you may have noticed that some of the rides are sponsored by various corporations along with Disney. For example, EPCOT plays host to a ride called The Universe of Energy, presented by Exxon. There's also Spaceship Earth, presented by AT&T. The way I figure it will be easier to get corporations to sponsor different aspects of Turdonia as I won't charge them income tax. I'm sure a huge company like AT&T pays millions of dollars in income tax a year, but if they located their corporate headquarters here (i.e. purchased a P.O. Box at the Turdonian Post Office) then I might charge them only a tenth of what they would pay in America for real estate rental. They'd come out ahead and so would we. It's a win-win scenario.

2. Foreign Aide. Starting out Turdonia is going to be pretty damn poor. And everyone who watches the news knows that the American government loves to give money to poor countries. When you combine that with the UN and all the other countries that are suckers for the third world we should be rolling in cash after not too long.

3. Celebrity vacation destination. The paparazzi has long been the bane of celebrities existence and this fact is no more blatant than when celebrities go to the beach. The United States of America has freedom of the press and assembly and all that stuff so unless paparazzi photographers are breaking and entering or doing something dangerous, there's really nothing that can be done to stop them. Turdonia, on the other hand, doesn't have to deal with those things. Once enough money comes in to the economy to provide for expansion, I am going to purchase an additional island for VIPs and it is on this island that celebrities will be able to do whatever they want without fear of it showing up on Extra. Hayden Panettiere, want to get a little sun on those pom poms? You can sunbathe nude in Turdonia without the prying eyes of the press or so-called regular people. Only fellow celebrities and royalty such as myself. Of course, when Turdonia comes to pass, I'm sure I'll be a celebrity in my own right, all over the television and maybe if I'm lucky Bill O'Reilly will say I'm evil.

So that's our plan so far. All we need is some startup money. I'm thinking about $5 million to purchase the land and get some basic amenities going. So if any of you feel like giving me money, just contact me and I'll let you know what you need to do.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Our Great Undertaking

To everyone who is reading this, welcome to Turdonia. What is this Turdonia you may ask? It is a new nation, founded by my friends and I and dedicated to the fulfillment of our dreams. Turdonians live in a kingdom without fear, crime, or poverty. They live this way because they listen to me, and I'm just that good. The Turdonian Manifesto serves as a declaration of our independence. The following blogs will set forth the set of values and beliefs which Turdonians hold dear and how the goals of Turdonia are to be achieved.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I am the King of Turdonia. This is a monarchy, I've put far too much effort into this thing to take the risk of being voted out of office. I have a group of noblemen who advise me. Chief amongst them is Viceroy James the Roe, my second in command. There are many others and they shall be listed in due time. However for the time being the main focus should be on founding the physical kingdom. It's like this, the Jews are given a lot of credit for retaining their identity as a people for some 2,000 years without a homeland, and rightfully so. Then in 1946 they got Israel back. Turdonians of today are like the Jews before 1946, except without the Holocaust. We have no physical homeland but we retain our identity as a people. The way we are going to get a homeland is through monetary means. That means we are going to purchase an island and bribe the local government to secure our independence. We shall then be able to live in a manner that fits our lifestyle and by that I mean my lifestyle. What is that lifestyle? Well, the United States was founded on the principles of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" and Turdonia is to be a place where you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Turdonian life will be one long vacation filled with warm sandy beaches, alcohol, and beautiful women.

Does this sound good to you? Do you want in? Better yet, do you want to contribute some funds? Whatever the case, keep reading and watch for further updates where the magic of Turdonia will be gradually revealed to you.